Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I don't want it but...

Why do we get so attached to stuff?  I started off strong, but in the last 24 hours or so I've started having doubts.  Do I really want to get rid of this?  I haven't looked at/used/remembered I even had this for who knows how long, but now that it comes down to it, I'm having second thoughts.  Some of it I'm wondering about for myself, and some of it is more about my mother.  Or maybe she's just the excuse.

The first place I started second guessing myself is my DVD collection.  I've been racking up the Amazon gift cards quickly with their trade in program.  But then I start to think, "But Mom gave this to me.  She's going to want to know where it is.  What if she wants to watch it?"  Why would she know or care what movies I have?  But still I waffle.  Other items I've worried about getting rid of because of Mom are my security blanket (I'm 35 for cripes sake!  Why do I still have my security blanket?), a couple of cameras, and a bunch of Candle-lite stuff that she gave me.  The smart, mature thing to do if I'm so worried about how she's going to feel about me getting rid of this stuff would be to ask her.  But I'm afraid if I remind her of this stuff, which I'm 99% sure she hasn't even thought of in years, she'll have a fit and want me to keep it all.  And then I have to deal with it.  If I just get rid of it she'll probably never even notice.  But that feels cowardly or dishonest or something, even though it's all my stuff and I should be able to do anything I want with it.

The other things that I feel stupid about waffling over are my high school year books.  I haven't looked at them in probably 10 years.  I have no desire to look at them now.  Plus they're heavy as hell, and I don't want to haul them out to the car and then from the car into the new house.  To be honest, I'm fairly sure I couldn't pick up the box even if I wanted to.  That ought to make it easier to let them go.  And yet, I still feel weird about not keeping them.

I think maybe I'm just feeling a little overwhelmed by all the decisions.  I've gotten to the point where I actually kind of like the idea of trashing it all and starting fresh.  But it's a lot of work.  And the pain and fatigue caused by the increased activity make it harder to deal with rationally, too.  I'm not sleeping well AT ALL, and the pain is bad.  I can't wait for this all to be over and done with.

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