Bridegroom- It's Important, Y'all

Linda Bloodworth-Thomason (you might recognize her name as the producer of the TV show Designing Women) has turned to Kickstarter to try to finance a documentary on a pretty damn important subject.

Tom Bridegroom died in an accident last year.  His family, who greeted his coming out with guns and violence, took his body and his things from his home in California and disappeared with them, back to Indiana.  His partner, Shane, who he shared a mortgage and a business with, had no legal right to any information about what happened after the accident or the disposition of his property.  He flew to Indiana for the funeral and was told that Tom's father and uncle planned to attack him if he showed up.

This is what can happen when the law prevents consenting adults in committed relationships from legally marrying each other.  It's devastating.  It's wrong.  And it needs to stop.  If you've got a couple extra bucks to donate toward getting this documentary made about Tom and Shane and the harm that these homophobic laws do, please consider it.  Right now they have another $150,000 to raise, and 14 days to do it in.  And please spread the word.  This is a story that needs to be told.

Pick a Color, Any Color

I've bleached a stripe in my hair for maximum color impact.  Now I just need to settle on which color I want to use!  (Bear in mind that the rest of my hair is now a deep auburn.  She went more chocolate brown and less red this time.  Next time I think I'll have her scale back on the brown and add a bit more red.)

So, here are the choices I'm looking at.

After Midnight Blue

Purple Haze

Ultra Violet

Electric Lizard

Shocking Blue

New Rose

Pretty Flamingo

I know I want the green, but I'm torn on the others.  I like them ALL, but several of them are pretty close, and it wouldn't necessarily make sense to buy them all at once.  What do you think?  Which ones should I go for?

Update: Just for Julie (and her sister), I've edited so that we're talking about hair color, not dye.  The weather has been yuck, so I haven't had a chance to go out and get anything yet.  I know I definitely want Electric Lizard and Shocking Blue, but I'm thinking I might go for some Purple Haze or Pretty Flamingo, too.  Kind of depends on what I can find and how expensive it all is.

Oy

My mother is subject to... enthusiasms.  She gets an idea in her head, and suddenly she's off and running in 15 directions.  (Of course, I am, too.  But in me it's fun and charming.)  I wouldn't mind if it was just her.  But when Mom gets an enthusiasm, she drags Dad and I along after her, whether we want to be dragged or not.

Her latest enthusiasm is to have a garage sale.  She decided on it just this past weekend.  We're having it on Thursday.  Never mind that there's probably enough shit junk crap stuff in the garage for a professional auction house to come in and do an estate sale.  Apparently, we're going to do this one small stack of boxes at a time.  I'd be overwhelmed with joy if we could just get Goodwill or someone to come empty out the garage.  Take it!  It's free!  But no, this is all precious shit junk crap stuff, and must be sold for top dollar.

I understand, to a certain extent.  There are antiques and such in there.  Mom and Dad have somehow become the storage repository for all of *their* parents' stuff.  (Even though they both have siblings who could have, and should have, taken responsibility for some of it.)  Mom sees it all as a potential source of extra cash-- which we could certainly use.  But what Mom insists on being blind to is the fact that she lives with two people with exhausting, chronic diseases.  I can't speak for Dad, but as far as I'm concerned, the energy expended in this ridiculousness is not worth the measly buck seventy-five we're going to make on it.  A good garage sale requires preparation and advertising.  Since we're doing this last minute and on the fly, there is time for neither.  Her goal is $50.  Fifty dollars for days worth of work, and if we're lucky we'll gain an extra 2 square feet of space in the garage.  Sigh.  Considering what she's willing to part with (barely), I think we'll be lucky to get $10 out of it.

What I haven't been quite willing to tell her yet, is whatever she doesn't get rid of now, I'm tossing when she's dead.  A few sentimental items?  Sure I'll keep.  But I'm not hanging on to boxes of "antique" linens.  Furniture.  For God's sake-- there are still baby clothes in there!  (My brother and I are both in our 30s!)  I don't want it, I don't want the hassle of it.  It's gone.  If we could get rid of some of this stuff now we'd all have a better quality of life, and my brother and I won't get stuck with the burden of disposing of at least two generations worth of junk when they're gone.  Mom complained all last winter that they couldn't park in the garage because it was completely full of boxes and junk (stacked 7 feet high, with only a narrow, take-your-life-into-your-hands, walk way).  Dad has lumber in there that we moved to Indiana with us when we came here the *first* time.  That was 1989!  He won't let go of any of that, either.  It's not just Mom who is clinging to this crap for all she's worth.

And what really frosts my cookies is that Mom suggested to me last night that I go through the two-- two!-- tubs in the garage that are mine to see if I can get rid of anything.  Probably I can.  But two rubbermaid tubs vs the whole rest of the garage (plus a rented storage space-- did I mention that yet?).  Which one of these is really the problem?  And she keeps coming in to ask me if I'm really sure that I don't mind if she puts out this piece of crap, or that pile of junk.  I finally just told her that I'm really, really sure that she can get rid of all of it.  Please!

OK, I think I better go now.  I'm getting even more annoyed than I was when I started this post, and I still have to go write up the Craigslist ad.  Damn it.

It Breaks My Heart

Another gay teen has committed suicide, at least in part due to bullying.  Jamey Rodemeyer was subjected to online harassment such as: " JAMIE IS STUPID, GAY, FAT ANND UGLY. HE MUST DIE!" and "I wouldn't care if you died. No one would. So just do it :) It would make everyone WAY more happier!"

How is this happening?  Bullying isn't exactly a new problem.  I went through some fairly significant harassment as a kid, although it had nothing to do with my sexuality.  But this is so vicious.  I can't imagine any reason, any justification for telling someone to go kill themselves.  Where is the human decency?  It takes purpose and energy to be this horrible.  These aren't careless statements.  It's not dragging someone else down to make yourself feel better.  This is just evil.

What can be done about this?  How do you stop the evil?  I suspect it's going to take updating laws to hold people responsible for their online behavior.  That takes time and probably won't help the next Jamey Rodemeyer, who is being harassed right this minute.  The only thing I can think of that can make a difference right now is to support, with your money and your time, the various anti-bullying and gay-support groups out there.  The Trevor Project is a national organization specifically working on the problem of gay teen suicide.  GLAAD and PFLAG are working on all kinds of issues in the gay community.  There are also lots of local organizations.  ALSO Out Youth is a group in Sarasota, FL that is doing good work with teens and could really use your support.  And the Gay & Lesbian Youth Services of Western New York is the group in Jamey Rodemeyer's hometown.

If you've got other ideas about how to fix this problem, please share them.  Because something must be done.  And if there's a group in your area doing good work with at risk teens, please spread the word.  These groups need all the support they can get.

Here's an article with more info about Jamey: teenager struggled with bullying before taking his life.

Brainstorming

I don't remember if I told you this or not (I started to write a post about it, fairly sure that I never finished), but I'm taking one of Lani's writing classes, Making Magic.  Last week we worked on soundtracks, this week we're doing collages.  I'm not visually artistic, so I'm struggling a bit. (Well, except for knitting, but that's more about following a pattern and mastering the mechanics.  You're on your own with collage.)

I'm supposed to be picking placeholders-- pictures of people, often actors, who represent the characters.  Sometimes it's the look, sometimes it's about the attitude or personality.  Whatever you need to help you make that person real in your head, until they take over and become their own person.  (People who've done much in the way of fiction writing will know what I mean.)

One of my characters, Ethan, is coming in pretty strong for me right now.  This is his story, told from his point of view.  He had this great boyfriend who dumped him suddenly right before Christmas, and he can't get over it.  He's bitter.  He doesn't understand why.  And now Christmas is coming around again, and so is the ex.  My big problem with Ethan is that I can't settle on what he looks like.  He's kind of an amorphous blob at the moment.  He shifts every time I look too close.  I can feel what he's feeling and know what he's thinking, but he won't let me see his face.

I have an image for the ex.  He's a pilot, I think.  I don't know what his name is yet.  So far he's been Dave, Dan, and Brad.  None of them fit.  So I'm just going to keep playing the "what name pops into my mind first" game periodically, and see what else comes up.  My biggest problem with Dave/Dan/Brad is that I don't know what is motivating him.  He basically walked out on Ethan, completely gone, out of his life, a couple days before Christmas.  Why?  What made him do that?  As far as Ethan is concerned, it was a douchey thing to do.  I know Dave/Dan/Brad had a reason for behaving that way.  It's got to be realistic, understandable, and redeemable.  Because I want these two guys together again.  But I don't know what the reason is.

What could make someone walk out on a relationship so suddenly?  What would make them change their mind a year later?  In my mind it feels like commitment phobia.  But does anyone want a hero who walks away utterly, no contact at all, and then appears a year later and says he wants you back?  How do you justify it?  How do you forgive it?

I did have one big revelation today.  It has to do with the structure of the story.  The first part is unquestionably Ethan's.  He's a teacher, so the story starts off at the beginning of the school year.  As the school year progresses, he finds himself rehashing the relationship.  Remembering the good times, re-examining those moments that might have been warning signs of what was to come.  Because he was really hit out of the blue when Dave/Dan/Brad walked away.  As we get closer to Christmas and the one year anniversary of the break up, Ethan gets madder.  The story ends with Dave/Dan/Brad knocking on the door a year after he left.  (You can play with stuff like this in m/m.  There's a lot more flexibility.  But it would never fly in mainstream romance.)

The second part of the story picks up from there.  It's all told from Dave/Dan/Brad's point of view.  (I really need to get a name for this guy.)  It will also cover two parallel time lines, his build up to walking out a year ago and his present struggle to get Ethan to take him back, with a little dash of how much he missed him after walking out.

So for the immediate future, I'm not too bad.  Ethan's story is first, and while I can't see him very well, I can feel him.  My biggest concern is that without knowing for sure what's going on with the Other Guy (I just can't type that list of names again-- it's getting depressing), I can't layer it in at all.  But then, Ethan is also clueless about what happened, so maybe it's not too bad.  More a question of whether or not I want to clue the reader in before Ethan figures everything out.  (That balance between letting the reader feel smart for figuring it out without making the character look dumb for not figuring it out.)

So.  Thoughts?  Why do people just get up and walk out one day, and what changes inside to let them come back?

Happy Days Are Here Again!

Another round of good news on the medication front.  My doctor's office called this morning.  The makers of Savella (my other Fibro medication) approved my patient assistance, and there was 3 months worth of free meds waiting for me at the office!  Yay!  My Fibro meds are the only ones I take that are too new to have a generic, which means they are the most expensive.  Now that I'm getting both of them for free, my monthly med costs have gone down by about 3/4.  That's huge-- a significant line item in the monthly budget slashed.

In other news, I've got the Kindle down to 724 items.  So far it hasn't made a bit of difference.  In fact, the battery is dying even faster.  But that might be because of all the clicking around to delete stuff.  I'll go back to more normal usage for the next couple of days and see if there's any improvement.

And more good news-- I have a solid story idea to work on.  Last night I was thinking about a story I started almost 15 years ago and abandoned.  The actual pages are long gone at this point (trust me, it's no loss), but the idea lingered.  As I was falling asleep last night it fused with another scrap of an idea, and suddenly I have a viable story idea.  In the next few days I'm going to work on Kelley Armstrong's Outlining 101, and then I want to start writing March 1st.  I'm not going to push myself to NaNo it.  I'm afraid I'll flame out in a couple of days at that kind of pace.  But I'd definitely like to finish March with a nice chunk of pages.  I've also had a little bit of a brain wave about the story I was working on last fall during Discovery.  So I think I may end up outlining both at the same time.  We'll see how confused I get.

Lip Balm Flavor of the Day: Gingerale

Playing Nice

Mom was pretty cranky today, so in an effort to pacify and play nice, I spent the evening in the living room with them instead of in my room.  I picked a movie off my Netflix queue, Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, and we watched it.  Or I watched it, Dad slept through the whole thing, and Mom slept through a good chunk of the middle.  That's not really a comment on the quality of the movie.  Dad's got pneumonia right now, so he spends a lot of most evenings sleeping in the chair.  And Mom falls asleep in front of any movie that isn't overtly Christian or produced by the Hallmark channel.

Other than Harry's Law, there are no TV shows that we both enjoy.  And I've pretty much exhausted my supply of Instant Netflix movies in the Family category.  So if anyone has any suggestions, that would be great.  They don't have to be animated, and they don't have to be kiddish.  They just need to be low on cursing and adult material.  And for my sanity if they could be low on the religious references and cheese factor, that would be good, too.

Even though Mom was snitty today (she is totally freaking out about all the ice outside our front door and getting the cars and driveway cleared out, even though we have no where to go and no way to get there, since the roads are just as bad), I had a pretty good day.  I read a book I enjoyed by a new-to-me author.  If Dad listened to Rush Limbaugh I never caught him at it.  And I, surprisingly, got a good night's sleep last night after my 3 hour nap.  I think I'm almost caught up.  Or as caught up as I ever get.

So that was my day.  How was yours?

In Which I Am Unpleasant

I have many annoyances and frustrations today.  And so I thought, why not share them with you?  That is what the internet is for after all.  Ranting and porn.  Sorry, no porn today.

Annoyance #1:  There was a cop killed in Indianapolis recently.  It's a terrible thing.  He pulled someone over for a traffic stop, and the guy shot him.  There are many things about this which are bad, including the fact that the guy was erroneously out on bail, and shouldn't have been out and free to be shooting people in the first place.  But the reaction to this has been extreme.  They rented out a sports arena to hold the funeral.  Reportedly, thousands of people attended today, in the middle of an ice storm.  They televised the service.  It was on for hours.  Literally, multiple hours.  My mother watched the whole thing, TV cranked to the max as usual.  I had to hide in my room with the door closed, listening to ABBA and Katy Perry to drown the whole thing out.

I'm willing to admit that my less-than-ideal emotional state is at least partially, if not mostly, to blame for the aggravation this is causing me.  But I can't handle listening, even second hand, to two or three hours worth of funeral right now, even if the whole thing didn't strike me as an overblown media circus.  I'm very sorry the man died, especially when he was serving the public and the man who killed him should never have been out in the first place.  But the hoopla is distasteful. 

Annoyance #2:  This one is both gross and embarrassing, but since I'm being unpleasant anyway, I'm just going to go ahead and (over)share.  I can't shower every day.  My skin (like the rest of me) hates the cold and dryness, and showering daily makes the whole thing worse.  Plus, showering is hard work, and I just don't have the energy for it.  Last week I went for several days, it may have been like 5, without showering.  Objectively, I know that's gross.  It's embarrassing to admit.  But I didn't want to, so I didn't.  (In the rational part of my mind, I know that this is a fairly big red flag that there's something not good going on in my head.  Unfortunately, that's only a very small part of my mind.  The rest is saying "fuck it", which is why I think I probably need to find a psychiatrist pretty soon.)  I finally took a shower on Sunday night, when Mom refused to serve dinner until I'd bathed.  And then I showered again last night (but didn't wash my hair, that was just too much effort) when Mom started in on how we were going to lose power and I might not get a chance again for a while.  We didn't lose power.  (Obviously, or you wouldn't be reading this post.)  Today, after showering two days in a row, I am in itchy misery.  I'm scratching my pits like a monkey.  It's not pleasant, and it's not pretty.  And Mom is hassling me again to take another shower.  Fuck that.  I am not showering today.  Maybe not tomorrow either.  Go away.

After venting Annoyances #1 and #2, Annoyances #3-5 don't seem so significant.  I want to hide out in my room, reading and listening to the most cheerful music I can find.  I don't want to interact with my parents.  I don't want them coming and standing in my door and talking to me.  (Which my mother does all the time, and which is bugging the ever loving fuck out of me.)  I want all my interactions to be on my own terms.  The internet is perfect for that.  Living with other human beings is not.  I don't want to live here any more.

***

My plan was to try to post every day this month.  February is a short month anyway, so why not?  Although, after that screed I'm not sure anyone is going to want to read any of it.

Going back in my hole now.

Happy, Happy Day!

The doorbell rang a few minutes ago.  FedEx delivery.  It was addressed to me, although I wasn't expecting anything.  I open the package, and lo and behold-- medicine!  Three months worth of Lyrica, free!  That's almost $750 retail.  I sent in paperwork to Pfizer's patient assistance program a couple weeks ago, and they've already sent me my first shipment.  Thank you, Pfizer!

Off My Game

I'm feeling weepy and out of whack today.  Too much news, too much misery, not enough sleep.  Troubbie the Wonder Cat woke me up at quarter to six this morning wanting to be fed.  (Yes, he's still alive.)  I have a doctor's appointment this morning, and I have something I'm scared to show her.  Think it's an abscess that will need to be lanced, possibly requiring minor surgery and costing a million dollars.  The book I've been reading, The Awakening by L.J. Smith, is angsty and depressing.  Only 50 pages or so to left, and I don't want to go there today.

So what should I read?  I'm seriously considering breaking my self-imposed book buying moratorium and downloading a book for the Kindle.  What do you suggest?  Something happy happy, please.

Upon the Horns of a Dilemna

It's time to share another secret with you all.  Despite my love of Project Runway and America's Next Top Model, I'm pretty ambivalent about my own clothing.  I have few requirements, and none of them have anything to do with looking stylish.

The first problem is fit.  I am a fat girl.  I'm not being coy.  I'm not talking about needing to lose 10 lbs or comparing myself to models on the covers of magazines.  The last time I was on a scale I was over 300 lbs, and that kind of weight comes with clothing challenges.  Shirts are constantly too short, revealing, if you'll forgive my mixing of metaphors, my fish belly white muffin top.  It's embarrassing.  If you notice us fat girls constantly yanking down the hems of our shirts, that's why.  They're just too damn short.

With pants I often find them unacceptably tight over the gut, hips, and tush, but ridiculously wide from mid-thigh down.  Sometimes the waistband is tight also, but more often it gapes ridiculously.  Not only does the skin tight stuff over the tummy, butt, and thighs emphasize exactly what we'd like to pretend isn't there, but with the Crohn's anything that presses against my stomach is painful.  So the challenge becomes finding pants that I can sit and stand in without swimming in them or being cut in half.

Those are two of the *ahem* biggest problems I have with finding clothes.  The next problem is one of availability and standards.  Have you noticed how often big women wear unnatural fabrics and sequins?  This is not by choice.  It's exceptionally hard to find sane clothing made from natural fabrics for plus sized women in stores.  There are catalogs, but you never know what you're getting until it arrives.  Will the quality be good?  Will it fit right or will it be a complete disaster?  And because fat clothes are apparently a specialty item, even though a growing portion of the population need them, they tend to be more expensive.  It makes sense, I guess.  Significant demand, plus limited supply, means higher prices and fewer bargains.

Well, I didn't mean to rant.  I guess I had a few things to get off my chest.  The real reason I started this post was because I have some wardrobe building to do, and I'm feeling stuck.  I've already ordered a few things, a couple of which fit and are exactly what I was looking for.  A couple were what I want, but the sizes were completely ridiculous.  I bought jeans in two different styles, figuring one or the other would work for me.  I followed the sizing instructions.  And they both look like clown pants.  I followed the same sizing instructions, and the flannel pants and thermal top sets I bought are just right.  Go figure.

Anyway, I'm going to post a few things, and I'd love to get your opinion.  Keep in mind that I spend 90% of my time at home, so comfy is the word of the day.  When I do go out it will be casual-- jeans if I can figure out what size fits me and a basic top.  And I've moved from toasty Texas to the frigid north, so warmth is an issue.  I'm doing most of my shopping at OneStopPlus.com, but I can also get basics, like long sleeve tshirts, for a good price at Walmart.com.  They might not carry the sizes I need in the store, but I can sometimes find them online.

So, here's some of what I'm looking at.  I'd like at least a couple more pair of flannel pants for lounging around the house. 

Option one

Option two

I'm not absolutely in love with any of the color combinations.  There's a sage thermal top that matches the sage flannel pants in option one, but I like the top much more than the bottoms.  The french lilac combo of option two is all right, and you can get discount on both pieces when you buy a long sleeve cotton tshirt to match.  But again, I'm not totally sold.  (I prefer more vibrant colors.)  The red/white/black check in option two is all right, but I'm not sure the large square checks are the most flattering.

I do really like the yellow-with-blue-flowers version of this thermal, but several people mention in the reviews that it's scratchy.  I'm a delicate flower, and if it's scratchy I probably won't wear it.

scratchy thermal?

And I like the layered-look crewneck tee, which comes in colored sleeves and white sleeves.

colored

white

I'm spoiled for choices with these-- there are a million colors so it's hard to make a decision.  They're offering $4 off if you buy two or more.

And I really like the look of this sherpa sweatshirt.  Looks snuggly and warm.  I'm even pretty sure what color I want-- golden wheat.  I'm just not sure I want to spend the money.

sherpa sweatshirt

I know this is dumb.  We're just talking about around the house slouchware.  But funds are limited, and I can't try any of this stuff on before buying (although I can return it if necessary), and I need some help.  So help!  Which of these should I get?