OK. My hearing is 36 hours away. Y'all, I am freaking the hell out. The rest of this post may be TMI, so feel free to either click away or scoot to the bottom and leave a comment, whichever you prefer.
Today was not a good day bathroom-wise. I know it's a combination of stress and the flare I experience every month. And I know it's only going to get worse over the next two days. (My hearing is naturally scheduled for the first day of my period-- my most poop-o-rific day of the month.) And for some reason my left wrist and elbow, the wrist and elbow least likely to give me a hard time, both decided to play up today. The ones on the right are slightly achy, but well within the normal range. Which means if I think about it I realize they hurt, but they aren't twinging and demanding my attention.
To add to the stress, my hearing will be not only on the first day of my period, but also on MTX day, which I occasionally refer to as Poison Day when I'm feeling grumpy about it. MTX is a chemo drug, a poison. I take it one day a week to bring my immune system down enough that it hopefully won't try to eat a hole in my insides. It's not a fun drug. It knocks me out flat-- we're talking Jr Narcoleptic time-- and frequently gives me the mother of all headaches. I'll have to be sure I pack my sunglasses, just in case. Part of me, the conniving part, thinks all this is a good thing. Let them see me at my day-to-day worst (understanding that if/when the Crohn's rages out of control I'm looking at symptoms an order of magnitude beyond that-- and probably a hospital visit). The practical side of me is thinking this is a terrible idea and wondering how I'm going to hold it together under all that stress on what will probably be my worst symptom day of the month.
For the last week I've been preparing mentally. Thinking about the questions he's likely to ask and how I might answer. I've also been mentally rehearsing interrupting the hearing to make a bathroom dash, if necessary. (I feel like I've adapted to the indignities my condition treats me to on a regular basis, but the thought of holding up legal proceedings, with all those Lawyers, because I've ohmygodgottagorightnoweverybodyoutofthepool is not a comfortable one.) Tomorrow I need to weigh myself, because they'll want a recent weight, and I need to find a letter (pretty sure I know where it is), and make sure everything I want to wear on Tuesday is clean and ready to go. And then tomorrow evening I need to take a shower and figure out some way to get some sleep and not explode from stress. And then Tuesday afternoon will be The Big Moment. Mom and Dad want to go out to eat somewhere afterwards, to celebrate I guess, even though it's very unlikely I'll get a decision at the hearing. (It will probably come in a letter in a month or two.) I think I'd rather come home to my own bathroom while my body no doubt continues to attempt to expel foods I haven't even eaten yet. Speaking of, it's about time for me to make another pit stop. Thank god that bathroom reading is accepted practice around here, or I'd be so screwed.
So anyway, that's why I'm Freaking The Fuck Out right now.