I'm a rotten person

There's an online group that I follow (for the handful of people who actually read my blog-- it's not the one you're thinking of), and it's experiencing a bit of a crisis.  It turns out that two very popular members have been at best misrepresenting themselves and at worst may be completely fictional.  And now a third, equally popular member has just announced he's going radio silent for a while.  Not that that's not a perfectly legit thing to do.  Shit happens, and real life always trumps internet life.  But the timing is suspicious.  (And now I've discovered there is a fourth member who is supposedly related to guy number three, so if Three is a fake, Four is most assuredly one, too.)

I can hear you all now.  "How does any of this make you a bad person, Becky?"  It makes me a bad person because I'm enjoying the whole thing way too much.

Look, here's the deal.  These three people were all wildly popular.  The darlings of the group, with lots of attention heaped upon them.  Two of the three posted pictures that showed them to be incredibly good looking.  (It was the pictures that started the whole thing-- they were found to be a professional photographer's copyrighted work.)  All three claim to be young (18-19) and in incredibly mature, loving relationships.  All three are extremely articulate, sounding much more wise and mature than the typical 18 or 19 year old.  All three have families who are completely accepting of their homosexuality.  Only good things happen to them.  Any bad things happened in the past and are straight out of an after school special.

Do you see where I'm going with all this?  We're talking about teenagers who have it all figured out.  (And not in that annoying, you don't know anything yet kid, teenagerish way.)  Kids who have perfect lives, perfect relationships, and nothing but sunshine and rainbows in their future.  There's no way that it's real.  And yet a whole bunch of otherwise intelligent adults have been taken in by it.  Now everyone's scrambling around, some condemning them, in the politest language possible, for lying, while others are getting progressively more upset because they see it as a whole bunch of adults ganging up on a couple of kids who made a mistake.

But the thing is, I don't think these are kids.  My pet theory, and I'm starting to doubt that there will ever be any clear truth to match it up with, is that this is a big prank.  I think Dudes #1 and #2 (who are supposedly a couple) are actually one person creating a story, maybe for the fun of creating a story, maybe for attention or the fun of pulling one over on a bunch of people too willing to take a story at face value.  Maybe just for the hell of it.  I think Dude #3 is possibly a little more on the level.  I think he really is a 19 year old.  I think some of what he's said is true.  I think his relationship is probably an invention, possibly because he saw all the attention that Dudes #1 and #2 were getting, possibly because he's a 19 year old who desperately wishes he had that perfect relationship.  If that's the case, then Dude #4 is probably a sock puppet invented to prop up the stories of Dude #3.

Other than being kind of amused by the lengths some people will go to for a bit of attention, I don't really care that they've done this.  It was so obviously not the truth, or at least not the whole truth, that I have nothing invested in these people or their stories.  But there are other people who do, and who are really upset about all this.  (See, bad person.)  I'm just hoping that the bad feelings blow over soon, because this really is a good group, if a little too willing to believe whatever random internet bs they're fed.

In completely unrelated news, Dad has been running a low grade fever all day, and now I am, too.  And the lip balm flavor of the day is peppermint.  Yum!

Update: Dudes #1 and #2 have admitted that they grabbed a couple of pictures off the internet and claimed them as their own and apologized.  They still claim to be two 18 and 19 year old gay guys, and while they also admit that may have glossed over some things, what they have said has been true.  Their supporters immediately started praising them for their courage in coming clean and admitting their mistake.  A few brave souls have said (politely) that they don't believe that these guys are really guys.  (It's a m/m romance community, and apparently it's not just the authors who are often secretly women in groups like this.)  The supporters are now getting outraged at the skeptics, claiming that they are so guys!  And anyway, they don't care if they aren't.  Lots of people wander in to quote "this too shall pass" at everyone and wander back out again.  I think a more apt quote at this point would be "there are none so blind as those who will not see."

Dude #3 popped back up today to say that he had a panic attack and that's why he posted yesterday that he was taking a break, although his wonderful boyfriend helped him through it, and he's considering getting some counseling, because the panic attacks have happened before.  Highly dubious, although I'm still inclined to believe that there is a real 19 year old gay kid behind this one, even if a lot of what he's said about his relationship is pure fiction.

And I'm still a bad person, because I'm still sitting back with my popcorn, enjoying the whole thing.

Fully Favorable

I got a letter in the mail today from Social Security, y'all.  Fully Favorable.  That's government-speak for "approved".  I got my Social Security.

I called the lawyer right away to let them know, and the woman I talked to said that was the fastest turn around she'd ever seen.  The hearing was August 16th, and the letter was dated August 18th.  I don't know what my monthly benefit will be yet (although I have a ballpark idea of what it might be based on the letter that Social Security sends out every year) or when exactly I'll get that first check.  Sometime within the next 90 days hopefully.  But it's just a relief to know that I'm approved and that there will be money coming eventually.

I'm... actually not feeling a whole lot right now.  I was pretty certain coming out of the hearing that I would be approved, and this is just confirmation.  No doubt the freak out is coming.  If the government agrees that I'm disabled, I must actually be this fucking sick.  (Knowing how I feel day-to-day and having the government acknowledge and accept it are two different things.  Also, who said anyone's internal logic was ever consistent?)  But for now, I'm good.

We Are Entering.... The Freak Out Zone

OK. My hearing is 36 hours away.  Y'all, I am freaking the hell out.  The rest of this post may be TMI, so feel free to either click away or scoot to the bottom and leave a comment, whichever you prefer.

Today was not a good day bathroom-wise.  I know it's a combination of stress and the flare I experience every month.  And I know it's only going to get worse over the next two days.  (My hearing is naturally scheduled for the first day of my period-- my most poop-o-rific day of the month.)  And for some reason my left wrist and elbow, the wrist and elbow least likely to give me a hard time, both decided to play up today.  The ones on the right are slightly achy, but well within the normal range.  Which means if I think about it I realize they hurt, but they aren't twinging and demanding my attention.

To add to the stress, my hearing will be not only on the first day of my period, but also on MTX day, which I occasionally refer to as Poison Day when I'm feeling grumpy about it.  MTX is a chemo drug, a poison.  I take it one day a week to bring my immune system down enough that it hopefully won't try to eat a hole in my insides.  It's not a fun drug.  It knocks me out flat-- we're talking Jr Narcoleptic time-- and frequently gives me the mother of all headaches.  I'll have to be sure I pack my sunglasses, just in case.  Part of me, the conniving part, thinks all this is a good thing.  Let them see me at my day-to-day worst (understanding that if/when the Crohn's rages out of control I'm looking at symptoms an order of magnitude beyond that-- and probably a hospital visit).  The practical side of me is thinking this is a terrible idea and wondering how I'm going to hold it together under all that stress on what will probably be my worst symptom day of the month.

For the last week I've been preparing mentally.  Thinking about the questions he's likely to ask and how I might answer.  I've also been mentally rehearsing interrupting the hearing to make a bathroom dash, if necessary.  (I feel like I've adapted to the indignities my condition treats me to on a regular basis, but the thought of holding up legal proceedings, with all those Lawyers, because I've ohmygodgottagorightnoweverybodyoutofthepool is not a comfortable one.)  Tomorrow I need to weigh myself, because they'll want a recent weight, and I need to find a letter (pretty sure I know where it is), and make sure everything I want to wear on Tuesday is clean and ready to go.  And then tomorrow evening I need to take a shower and figure out some way to get some sleep and not explode from stress.  And then Tuesday afternoon will be The Big Moment.  Mom and Dad want to go out to eat somewhere afterwards, to celebrate I guess, even though it's very unlikely I'll get a decision at the hearing.  (It will probably come in a letter in a month or two.)  I think I'd rather come home to my own bathroom while my body no doubt continues to attempt to expel foods I haven't even eaten yet.  Speaking of, it's about time for me to make another pit stop.  Thank god that bathroom reading is accepted practice around here, or I'd be so screwed.

So anyway, that's why I'm Freaking The Fuck Out right now.

Closed and Self-Righteous

Dinner was more than 7 hours ago, and I'm still pissed off.

One of my parents' friends from Massachusetts spent the night here last night on her way to a temporary assignment in the Midwest.  (This was not the problem.  I met Beth in the short period where I was in Massachusetts last fall, and I really liked her.)  But Beth went to the same church as Mom and Dad.  After she left it kicked out a whole Open and Affirming rant from my mom that still makes me want to vomit.  (It may have been the bologna sandwich I had for dinner, but I'm pretty sure it was the exclusionary, anti-LGBT crap that she was spewing.)

A little primer on the situation.  The first church they attended in MA adopted an "Open and Affirming" policy within the church.  Here's the language I found for this:

“Open and Affirming” means that it has publicly and specifically declared that those of all “sexual orientations, gender identities, and gender expressions” (or “lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender” people) are welcome in its full life and ministry (e.g. membership, leadership, employment, etc.) It bespeaks a spirit of hospitality and a willingness to live out that welcome in meaningful ways.

Sounds reasonable, right?  Everyone who chooses to belong to a church should have the right to be a member and to feel welcome in their church home.  Well some people, like my parents, don't see this as reasonable at all.  "It's against the teachings of the Bible!"  "It's against the teaching of God!"  "The Bible says what the Bible says!  You don't get to pick and choose!"  (She says as she eats ham for dinner.)  I hate to be the one to break it to you, sister, but modern Christians pretty thoroughly pick through the Bible, only following the rules that work for them.  I haven't given Leviticus a read lately, nor do I plan to.  But if memory serves, the anti-homo stuff is just about the only bit that people like my parents choose to follow.  They don't bother with the animal sacrificing, or the "women are unclean after child birth" hoey, so why this?

Bigotry.  That's the only answer I can come up with.  It's infuriating.  It's bad enough to know that they feel this way and still be forced to live with them.  If she fixates on this, and I start getting regular anti-gay rants, I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep from giving her a piece of my mind.  And I won't be able to be any more polite about it than she's been.

Get me out of here.

The Lupus Foundation of America- Swagbucks' Charity of the Month

Over at Swagbucks (which I've pimped a few times, and yes I'm still racking up the $5 Amazon gift certificates) they've started doing a charity of the month.  People can donate swagbucks (points) that they've earned through different activities on the site.  Based on the number of swagbucks donated, Swagbucks will make a cash donation to the charity.  This month it's the Lupus Foundation of America.

Now, I don't have Lupus (knock on wood), but I know people who do.  It's an autoimmune disease, and in a way all AI's are related.  An advance for one usually means an advance for all of us down the line.  So in that sense this is personal for me.  I'd like to see the Lupus Foundation get the biggest donation possible.  Plus, the exposure is really great.  Everybody knows somebody with an autoimmune disease, but not very many people understand what they are or what we go through in trying to manage our diseases.  (I can't really blame the general public for being ignorant in this.  Far too many doctors are completely clueless about autoimmune disease.)

If you'd like to help with this donation drive, you can sign up for Swagbucks here:  http://www.swagbucks.com/refer/fibrobabe.  That's my referral link.  An easy way to earn swagbucks is to use their search engine when you want to do an internet search.  You won't win points every time, but when you do I'll get a few kickback points.  I pledge to donate any of those points to the Lupus Foundation, in addition to my regular donation.  There are lots of other fast, simple, free ways to earn swagbucks.  If anyone decides to sign up and wants to hear about them, I'll blog about that next.

Getting Worried

My Social Security hearing is just less than a month away, and I'm really starting to stress out.  Not because of the hearing itself, although that's scary enough.  What's worrying me is the financial state of the union and how that might affect my chances.

As of this evening the Republicrats are still squabbling over the budget.  If they haven't come to some sort of agreement by Aug 16 I'm afraid I'll be denied again, not out of merit, but because they can't approve anyone until the new budget is in place.  In fact, since I doubt anyone considers Social Security adjudication to be a vital service, I wouldn't be surprised if my appointment was cancelled all together.  And lord only knows when it would be rescheduled for.

So that's what's keeping me up at night this week.  Stupid politicians who will never have to worry about where to find the money for food or medicine or anything else for the rest of their lives, fucking with mine.

Edit: And here's a little something directed to the politicians.

I Have a Date

A couple weeks ago I got a call from my lawyer.  The government has scheduled a hearing date for my Social Security appeal.

This was a pretty big surprise.  The waiting list for these things is insane.  I was told that it was running 18-24 months here in the Indianapolis area, and that because I moved while on the waiting list, I'd be dropped to the back of the line again.  No saving your place!  No cutsies!  I wasn't expecting this for another year to year and a half.

I've been working my way through the system for almost two years now, and every time I get to a new level it comes with a new surge of anxiety.  Fear that I won't be approved, and my financial situation will continue to be dire.  Fear that I will be approved, and I'll have final, incontrovertible proof that this is happening, and that I'm really this sick.

I think that second one is the greater fear.  On many levels I think I've dealt with and accepted my illness, but there are always deeper levels of denial to discover.  Getting Social Security after all this time of fighting for it will make it Official.  I will be a government-recognized sick person, who isn't able to work and financially take care of herself.  (The irony in all this is, the minute you are approved, after years of hassle in most cases, the government starts pushing back-to-work programs at you.  If you were capable of getting back to work, they never would have approved you in the first place.)

Also, I'm scared about the hearing itself.  In a very literal sense I will be sitting there, allowing some stranger to judge my health and how I've handled it so far.  After my first couple of doctors, who simultaneously claimed that there was nothing wrong with me and that my illness was all my fault, the thought of having someone judge me in this way is scary.  And it's not just someone who wants to judge me.  Lord knows there are enough of those in the world, willing to judge anyone at any time for any reason.  This is someone who will judge me and then decide if I deserve the help that I know I need.

Really, the whole thing is turning me into a big fucked up ball of stress and nerves and guilt.  Which of course does wonderful things for my Crohn's and Fibro.

So if you would, please get those FGBV machines rolling.  That I survive the next 6 weeks or so, and that on August 16th all the SSDI judges are in a sympathetic, accepting mood.