I got a letter in the mail today from Social Security, y'all. Fully Favorable. That's government-speak for "approved". I got my Social Security.
I called the lawyer right away to let them know, and the woman I talked to said that was the fastest turn around she'd ever seen. The hearing was August 16th, and the letter was dated August 18th. I don't know what my monthly benefit will be yet (although I have a ballpark idea of what it might be based on the letter that Social Security sends out every year) or when exactly I'll get that first check. Sometime within the next 90 days hopefully. But it's just a relief to know that I'm approved and that there will be money coming eventually.
I'm... actually not feeling a whole lot right now. I was pretty certain coming out of the hearing that I would be approved, and this is just confirmation. No doubt the freak out is coming. If the government agrees that I'm disabled, I must actually be this fucking sick. (Knowing how I feel day-to-day and having the government acknowledge and accept it are two different things. Also, who said anyone's internal logic was ever consistent?) But for now, I'm good.
Showing posts with label disability. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disability. Show all posts
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Monday, August 15, 2011
We Are Entering.... The Freak Out Zone
OK. My hearing is 36 hours away. Y'all, I am freaking the hell out. The rest of this post may be TMI, so feel free to either click away or scoot to the bottom and leave a comment, whichever you prefer.
Today was not a good day bathroom-wise. I know it's a combination of stress and the flare I experience every month. And I know it's only going to get worse over the next two days. (My hearing is naturally scheduled for the first day of my period-- my most poop-o-rific day of the month.) And for some reason my left wrist and elbow, the wrist and elbow least likely to give me a hard time, both decided to play up today. The ones on the right are slightly achy, but well within the normal range. Which means if I think about it I realize they hurt, but they aren't twinging and demanding my attention.
To add to the stress, my hearing will be not only on the first day of my period, but also on MTX day, which I occasionally refer to as Poison Day when I'm feeling grumpy about it. MTX is a chemo drug, a poison. I take it one day a week to bring my immune system down enough that it hopefully won't try to eat a hole in my insides. It's not a fun drug. It knocks me out flat-- we're talking Jr Narcoleptic time-- and frequently gives me the mother of all headaches. I'll have to be sure I pack my sunglasses, just in case. Part of me, the conniving part, thinks all this is a good thing. Let them see me at my day-to-day worst (understanding that if/when the Crohn's rages out of control I'm looking at symptoms an order of magnitude beyond that-- and probably a hospital visit). The practical side of me is thinking this is a terrible idea and wondering how I'm going to hold it together under all that stress on what will probably be my worst symptom day of the month.
For the last week I've been preparing mentally. Thinking about the questions he's likely to ask and how I might answer. I've also been mentally rehearsing interrupting the hearing to make a bathroom dash, if necessary. (I feel like I've adapted to the indignities my condition treats me to on a regular basis, but the thought of holding up legal proceedings, with all those Lawyers, because I've ohmygodgottagorightnoweverybodyoutofthepool is not a comfortable one.) Tomorrow I need to weigh myself, because they'll want a recent weight, and I need to find a letter (pretty sure I know where it is), and make sure everything I want to wear on Tuesday is clean and ready to go. And then tomorrow evening I need to take a shower and figure out some way to get some sleep and not explode from stress. And then Tuesday afternoon will be The Big Moment. Mom and Dad want to go out to eat somewhere afterwards, to celebrate I guess, even though it's very unlikely I'll get a decision at the hearing. (It will probably come in a letter in a month or two.) I think I'd rather come home to my own bathroom while my body no doubt continues to attempt to expel foods I haven't even eaten yet. Speaking of, it's about time for me to make another pit stop. Thank god that bathroom reading is accepted practice around here, or I'd be so screwed.
So anyway, that's why I'm Freaking The Fuck Out right now.
Today was not a good day bathroom-wise. I know it's a combination of stress and the flare I experience every month. And I know it's only going to get worse over the next two days. (My hearing is naturally scheduled for the first day of my period-- my most poop-o-rific day of the month.) And for some reason my left wrist and elbow, the wrist and elbow least likely to give me a hard time, both decided to play up today. The ones on the right are slightly achy, but well within the normal range. Which means if I think about it I realize they hurt, but they aren't twinging and demanding my attention.
To add to the stress, my hearing will be not only on the first day of my period, but also on MTX day, which I occasionally refer to as Poison Day when I'm feeling grumpy about it. MTX is a chemo drug, a poison. I take it one day a week to bring my immune system down enough that it hopefully won't try to eat a hole in my insides. It's not a fun drug. It knocks me out flat-- we're talking Jr Narcoleptic time-- and frequently gives me the mother of all headaches. I'll have to be sure I pack my sunglasses, just in case. Part of me, the conniving part, thinks all this is a good thing. Let them see me at my day-to-day worst (understanding that if/when the Crohn's rages out of control I'm looking at symptoms an order of magnitude beyond that-- and probably a hospital visit). The practical side of me is thinking this is a terrible idea and wondering how I'm going to hold it together under all that stress on what will probably be my worst symptom day of the month.
For the last week I've been preparing mentally. Thinking about the questions he's likely to ask and how I might answer. I've also been mentally rehearsing interrupting the hearing to make a bathroom dash, if necessary. (I feel like I've adapted to the indignities my condition treats me to on a regular basis, but the thought of holding up legal proceedings, with all those Lawyers, because I've ohmygodgottagorightnoweverybodyoutofthepool is not a comfortable one.) Tomorrow I need to weigh myself, because they'll want a recent weight, and I need to find a letter (pretty sure I know where it is), and make sure everything I want to wear on Tuesday is clean and ready to go. And then tomorrow evening I need to take a shower and figure out some way to get some sleep and not explode from stress. And then Tuesday afternoon will be The Big Moment. Mom and Dad want to go out to eat somewhere afterwards, to celebrate I guess, even though it's very unlikely I'll get a decision at the hearing. (It will probably come in a letter in a month or two.) I think I'd rather come home to my own bathroom while my body no doubt continues to attempt to expel foods I haven't even eaten yet. Speaking of, it's about time for me to make another pit stop. Thank god that bathroom reading is accepted practice around here, or I'd be so screwed.
So anyway, that's why I'm Freaking The Fuck Out right now.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Getting Worried
My Social Security hearing is just less than a month away, and I'm really starting to stress out. Not because of the hearing itself, although that's scary enough. What's worrying me is the financial state of the union and how that might affect my chances.
As of this evening the Republicrats are still squabbling over the budget. If they haven't come to some sort of agreement by Aug 16 I'm afraid I'll be denied again, not out of merit, but because they can't approve anyone until the new budget is in place. In fact, since I doubt anyone considers Social Security adjudication to be a vital service, I wouldn't be surprised if my appointment was cancelled all together. And lord only knows when it would be rescheduled for.
So that's what's keeping me up at night this week. Stupid politicians who will never have to worry about where to find the money for food or medicine or anything else for the rest of their lives, fucking with mine.
Edit: And here's a little something directed to the politicians.
As of this evening the Republicrats are still squabbling over the budget. If they haven't come to some sort of agreement by Aug 16 I'm afraid I'll be denied again, not out of merit, but because they can't approve anyone until the new budget is in place. In fact, since I doubt anyone considers Social Security adjudication to be a vital service, I wouldn't be surprised if my appointment was cancelled all together. And lord only knows when it would be rescheduled for.
So that's what's keeping me up at night this week. Stupid politicians who will never have to worry about where to find the money for food or medicine or anything else for the rest of their lives, fucking with mine.
Edit: And here's a little something directed to the politicians.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
I Have a Date
A couple weeks ago I got a call from my lawyer. The government has scheduled a hearing date for my Social Security appeal.
This was a pretty big surprise. The waiting list for these things is insane. I was told that it was running 18-24 months here in the Indianapolis area, and that because I moved while on the waiting list, I'd be dropped to the back of the line again. No saving your place! No cutsies! I wasn't expecting this for another year to year and a half.
I've been working my way through the system for almost two years now, and every time I get to a new level it comes with a new surge of anxiety. Fear that I won't be approved, and my financial situation will continue to be dire. Fear that I will be approved, and I'll have final, incontrovertible proof that this is happening, and that I'm really this sick.
I think that second one is the greater fear. On many levels I think I've dealt with and accepted my illness, but there are always deeper levels of denial to discover. Getting Social Security after all this time of fighting for it will make it Official. I will be a government-recognized sick person, who isn't able to work and financially take care of herself. (The irony in all this is, the minute you are approved, after years of hassle in most cases, the government starts pushing back-to-work programs at you. If you were capable of getting back to work, they never would have approved you in the first place.)
Also, I'm scared about the hearing itself. In a very literal sense I will be sitting there, allowing some stranger to judge my health and how I've handled it so far. After my first couple of doctors, who simultaneously claimed that there was nothing wrong with me and that my illness was all my fault, the thought of having someone judge me in this way is scary. And it's not just someone who wants to judge me. Lord knows there are enough of those in the world, willing to judge anyone at any time for any reason. This is someone who will judge me and then decide if I deserve the help that I know I need.
Really, the whole thing is turning me into a big fucked up ball of stress and nerves and guilt. Which of course does wonderful things for my Crohn's and Fibro.
So if you would, please get those FGBV machines rolling. That I survive the next 6 weeks or so, and that on August 16th all the SSDI judges are in a sympathetic, accepting mood.
This was a pretty big surprise. The waiting list for these things is insane. I was told that it was running 18-24 months here in the Indianapolis area, and that because I moved while on the waiting list, I'd be dropped to the back of the line again. No saving your place! No cutsies! I wasn't expecting this for another year to year and a half.
I've been working my way through the system for almost two years now, and every time I get to a new level it comes with a new surge of anxiety. Fear that I won't be approved, and my financial situation will continue to be dire. Fear that I will be approved, and I'll have final, incontrovertible proof that this is happening, and that I'm really this sick.
I think that second one is the greater fear. On many levels I think I've dealt with and accepted my illness, but there are always deeper levels of denial to discover. Getting Social Security after all this time of fighting for it will make it Official. I will be a government-recognized sick person, who isn't able to work and financially take care of herself. (The irony in all this is, the minute you are approved, after years of hassle in most cases, the government starts pushing back-to-work programs at you. If you were capable of getting back to work, they never would have approved you in the first place.)
Also, I'm scared about the hearing itself. In a very literal sense I will be sitting there, allowing some stranger to judge my health and how I've handled it so far. After my first couple of doctors, who simultaneously claimed that there was nothing wrong with me and that my illness was all my fault, the thought of having someone judge me in this way is scary. And it's not just someone who wants to judge me. Lord knows there are enough of those in the world, willing to judge anyone at any time for any reason. This is someone who will judge me and then decide if I deserve the help that I know I need.
Really, the whole thing is turning me into a big fucked up ball of stress and nerves and guilt. Which of course does wonderful things for my Crohn's and Fibro.
So if you would, please get those FGBV machines rolling. That I survive the next 6 weeks or so, and that on August 16th all the SSDI judges are in a sympathetic, accepting mood.
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